Your family: Instead of presents at Christmas

Here we are just days left in the 2010 holiday shopping season. If you're like most, you are busy finishing your shopping list and planning for a week of family events. If you're like most, you've already been to at least two Christmas parties and have your house decorated to celebrate this important religious holiday. You may, like most, wonder when Christmas started in October and when it became so stressful and list-filled.

Remember when you were a kid? Christmas meant time off from school, new toys, playing with cousins you hadn't seen in a year, and special holiday food. Some families bake cookies together, others have secret Santa...no matter the traditions your family chose you can look back at them fondly. In my family we traveled to my grandparents' houses in West Virginia and Western Pennsylvania. Both my mother's and father's families lived about 20 minutes apart so the trip brought time with both families and expanded our view of traditional. My father's family had quiet meals and listened to "The Chipmunks" on the old turn table. My grandfather made sure our family dog was well fed from his Christmas plate, something we never allowed the rest of the year. At my mother's parents we were joined by a bevvy of Aunts, Uncles, and distant cousins for a full house and dinner with so many places settings it was hard to determine which one was the "kiddie" table.

My list today is a reminder that this holiday is about more than shopping lists and visits to the mall. I hope a few of them are already planned for your Christmas. A few other ideas may round out your traditions or give you ideas for setting new ones. I got inspiration from my co-workers so I hope you enjoy their favorite holiday celebrations. As always, please feel free to add your own ideas by submitting comments at the bottom of this entry. Merry Christmas!

1. Cut your own tree- My brother and I went out in the woods just once determined to find the best tree ever. It was upstate New York, for which both of us were unprepared. Our search ended quickly as the cold lowered our standards considerably. I've never had more fun decorating. Somehow the imperfections made it more charming.
2. Watch a holiday special- My daughters enjoy "The Charlie Brown Christmas". As a child I was especially fond of the claymation specials with Rudolph and the Heat Miser.
3. Prepare a special breakfast- My coworker's wife makes apple cinnamon pancakes so good, her adult children and their families get up extra early to make sure they arrive in time for a hot one. My grandmother served pecan rolls warm from the oven and dripping in Karo syrup.
4. Donate to someone in need- My parents were especially good at teaching us to appreciate our own blessings by sharing at Christmas. Adopt an Angel, Make a Wish, or leave a plate of goodies on a neighbor's porch. There are so many opportunities to give this year and no time when it has been more needed.
5. Go Christmas caroling- I haven't done this since my younger daughter was in grade school. She still remembers our trip to the nursing home where we sang room to room. I haven't managed to get the kids together for a neighborhood version but would love nothing better.
6. Do something silly as a family- A close friend gets together with her small family on Christmas Eve. After dinner and dessert they sing and act out "The 12 Days of Christmas" with every family member taking two of the days. They don't quit until they've remembered their parts perfectly from start to finish.
7. Reach out to distant family- So many of us have family who cannot join us at the holiday. Find a special way to stay in touch. I love getting a Christmas card from my aunt in New Jersey. Reading about their year is always entertaining. My husband calls his mom in Denmark on Christmas Eve to send his love. A friend of mine scans family pictures and sends out the compilation on a CD to distant relatives.
8. Limit presents- One of my coworkers who has two young children buys three presents for each of her kids representing the three gifts brought to Jesus by the Wise Men. Another acquaintance asks her kids to choose one unopened present to donate to the Salvation Army.  The kids never know what's inside but love feeling like it was probably the best gift of all.
9.Read the Christmas story in the Bible- It's easy to forget the reason for our celebrations. Take time with your family to read the gospel accounts of the birth.
10. Ring in the New Year- My favorite part of the family tradition came on New Year's Eve when my mother's side of the family celebrated the coming year with distant relatives and family friends. Because of this tradition, I got to know my distant cousins and my children got to meet their children. We dressed up, played very silly party games, sand songs, and watched the ball drop on Times Square. It hasn't been the same since my grandmother passed several years ago. Perhaps this is one tradition I will continue in her honor with my own grandchildren when they arrive.

What's different about this blog?

Nothing really. I created a forum for people to share their expertise on any given subject using a simple format- the 10 things to do instead. Over the last few months, I've posted blog entries on college life, mid-life, and retirement. It's your forum!

As a young mother, I struggled with decisions on parenting and finances. Now that the girls are young adults, I want to be sure I am taking care of myself and working toward a middle age that looks different from my mother and grandmother's time. I write often about health topics because they are top of mind. You may have different intersts. Do you know about keeping your relationship fresh and fun? Are you interested in ways to save money when shopping online? Can you recommend great places to eat in Tacoma and Topeka? I would love to see your list. Write about what you know and submit your 10 things to do instead ideas so others can learn from you.

Your vacation: Instead of Visiting the Little Mermaid

Thinking about a trip to Europe? If you're going at Christmastime of in the middle of summer, I must recommend Copenhagen. Not as many Americans visit so it feels very much like you are immersed in local culture. Being married to a Dane has given me lots of time to discover the back streets and fun events for this gorgeous city, housing the oldest monarchy on the planet.

1. Stay at The Palace Hotel
Located in the heart of Copenhagen across from the town square and close to Tivoli it is amazingly absent of American tourists. Get to breakfast early though or you'll find the orange juice rather tepid.

2. Eat Italian food at Vesuvio's
The Danish cuisine is like ours in that they enjoy food from all over. This one is terrific and not overly expensive. I am a huge fan of the calzone but the menu will satisfy any taste. The owners and waiters hail from Italy so enjoy getting another culture imfused with the Nordic feel.

3. Take the train to Bellevue
You'll find a nice beach area with gorgeous sand and sun. An amusement park awaits the kids and an animal park provides a nice walk through the forest.

4. Sit on the dock at Nyhavn
This is an amazing combination of tourist attraction and local hang out. When the weather is nice you'll find locals sitting on the docks with friends and beer. In the wonter, the restaurants provide heaters and blankets to keep you warm while you watch the boats.

5. Nap in the King's Garden
A beautiful park with many families and students awaits you. A small lake provides great scenery  for a nice stroll and the grass is wonderfully inviting for an afternoon siesta.

6. Shop at Illum
This is the Danish version of Rodeo Drive. You can find delicious, hand made chocolate and other delicacies along side boutique clothing and even office equipment. Be prepared to spend some Kroner here since it is the most expensive store in the coutry.

7. Have a drink at The Mouse and the Elephant
No tourists here. It is a unique, four story bar filled with people playing chess, sitting on their two patio areas, and drinking beeer poured out of an elephant trunk. When we went it was smoke-filled but new laws should keep the smokers sitting outside.

8. Hear American oldies at Rosie McGee's
If you need a dose of Billy Joel or James Taylor head to Rosie McGee's for some fun. It gets hopping late in the evening. The dance floor is empty most of the time but a brave American could teach some partying Danes how to two-step is she were so inclined.

9. Walk through Tivoli at midnight
Tivoli is a small amusement park in the heart of Copenhagen famous for being the first of it's kind. You'll find lots of great restaurants within the park as well as fast food stands with a Danish flair. Many little shops carry tourist trinquets galore. The real fun though happens late when few park goers remain. Stay fo rhte light show and you wol not be disappointed.

10. Eat a hot dog at the airport
Picking up your baggage has never been more delicious. A Danish hot dog is nothing like our offering. You'll have to see for yourself. Not calorie friendly but well-worth the indulgance.

Your marriage: Instead of buying her chocolate

When I write this column, I imagine a potential reader and most of the time I write for wives and mothers. Today's list is meant for husbands and boyfriends. If your man isn't likely to find this blog, pass these hints along to give him ideas.

In past entries, I have shared stories of my husband Franz's surprises. He is very romantic and thoughtful and I remind myself every day how blessed I am to have his love. He wants me to have everything I want, every day and goes to extreme lengths to make me happy. Sometimes, though, it's not always helpful to get everything. My list today gives ideas for indulgances that are good for you and still fun to receive. If you want to encourage your wife in her quest for health, read on for ways to show her you love her without sabotaging her attempts.

1. Encourage her choices
Notice her workouts, tell her she looks sexy, and make her feel good about taking the time to eat right and exercise regularly.

2. Give her a massage
It doesn't matter if you're trained or not. Low lights, soft music, some scented candles, and lots of touching make for a wonderfully indulged feeling.

3. Paint her toes
I've read about this one several places but have never experienced it. I imagine it as something hilarious more than romantic since Franz thinks my feet could be a scary Halloween decoration. Hopefully your feet aren't so difficult and that his one is sensual instead of scary.

4. Give her compliments
We notice. When you tell us we are beautiful, intelligent and kind, we notice. My heart still speeds up just a little when Franz compliments the shade of my eyes. The European accent doesn't hurt...

5. Hold hands
When you're walking together, take her hand. It shows you want to be close and connected even in public.

6. Read to her
I love poetry and would melt if Franz sat next to me by a roaring fire reading a beatiful sonnet. He could read the Danish newspaper and I would think it was special. It's intimate and comforting.

7. Take her dancing
Dancing with the Stars has made us all want to waltz around the ballroom as gracefully as Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. We watch the stars samba and tango and wish our men would dress up and take us out for a night of dancing.

8. Watch a romantic movie together
Although I am not a movie fan in general, I love sitting together and watching people fall in love. Make some popcorn, put your feet up and remember how wonderful it is to discover love.

9. Play her favorite music
Franz and I like similar music so this one happens more often than not in our household. If you enjoy country and she's rock and roll, give her CD some playing time when your driving around town.

10. Make a list of reasons you love her
My brother wrote this list for his wife on their 10th anniversary. Wow! I cannot imagine anything more romantic. Take time to tell her, in writing, what you love about her. Don't forget to mention the fact that you love that she takes care of herself as one of your items.

Your health: Instead of a another sweater

Need the perfect gift for someone who is working to lose weight? Here are ten ideas that support the healthy lifestyle and still fun to receive. The list is a little different since I have segmented the gifts by relationship.

1. For your co-worker
A  pretty lunch bag with matching storage containers. You can even fill it with a lunch food for presentation.

2. For your mother-in-law
A membership to her local gym or a Y where she can stay active in a group setting. She'll also have the guidance she needs to try new things.

3. For your husband
An interactive vaction like biking in Napa Valley or hiking at a state park.

4. For your wife
A set of weights. Women don't do enough weight work outs to prevent bone density loss. Help her get started with some colorful ones. Don't forget to encourage her progress!

5. For your child
Tickets to a local sports team. Colleges and  High schools have very reasonably priced season tickets. For a pro event, you might have to make it a one-time thing.

6. For your BFF
A cool gym bag with lots of compartments for storing stuff.

7. For your neighbor
Coupons to watch the kids or run errands so she has time to take a walk or get to the gym.

8. For your local charity
A subscription to a health magazine like Prevention, Shape, or Experience Life

9. For your pet
A polka dot or camoflague leash so Rover can walk with you. Balls and frisbees also promote activity to keep Happy happy.

10. For yourself
A new exercise outfit. Do you know that getting something new will increase your liklihood of working out? You are doing yourself a favor by adding to this wardrobe once in a while.

Your health: Instead of making excuses

A different spin on the concept this time. You'll get a list of ten things as always. This time though stop reading at the first thing you don't already do and try doing it for ten days. I have compiled the commonalities I've found in books and websites for eating well and staying healthy.

Only adopt one thing at a time so if you don't eat breakfast, stop at number 1 and try making it part of your morning routine for ten days. Once you've done that, come back for the next thing. I made it to number three before stopping. I'll check back in ten days and let you know how that goes.

1. Eat breakfast
Ideally you have protein, water, and carbs within a few hours of waking up. I am trying oatmeal because I've read it's a super food. I don't love it but a few almonds sprinkled in makes it bearable.
2. Cut out cola- sweetened and diet
Read the label. The ingredients sound more like a chemistry experiment than food.
3. Take a multi-vitamin
Unless you believe your habits are getting the correct dose of all those needed nutrients, you need this.
4. Measure and weigh your food for serving size
We underestimate quantity. My one serving of cheerios turned into 2 and a half. One cup seems so small in my big breakfast bowl.
5. Add three servings of veggies to your daily meals
The experts think we get one or two servings a day. By adding three more your almost at recommended levels.
6. Pack a lunch
My small salad at Corner Baker on Monday had 46 grams of fat. Wow! I could have had a burger.
7. Eat small meals every three hours
I am just now trying this. It is amazing not to feel hungry during the day. Not as easy as it sounds but worth the effort.
8. Get protein from chicken, fish, and nuts
Lean protein is important and needed in small quantities every meal according to the experts.This will be another stopping place for me.
9. Learn your calorie target
The FDA site lets you enter your age and weight to figure out your metabolic rate and the calories needed to sustain you.
10. Enjoy one treat meal each week
My husband reminds me that going all out, full bore will lead to quick burnout. I have a feeling I will enjoy spending ten days on this one.

Your mind: Instead of fighting about politics

Here we are again. Election season. How do you feel about the candidates? No matter your political persuasion, you must be tired of the name-calling, fact distortion, and endless TV political commercials. I have been voting for almost 25 years now in too many elections to count and don't remember ever being so frustrated with the American discourse on all things political. Has it always been this bitter?

American comedian Jon Stewart announced his "Rally to Restore Sanity" to be held in Washington D.C. on October 30. I looked at going even though the trip for me would be long and expensive. Man, I would really like to be there. To do my small part from a distance, I have composed  today's list to encourage more listening and less screaming about some very important decisions taking place across the country.

1. Read the "other" side
Before you start fighting, take time to think about the issue from another's perspective. I am very fortunate to have grown up with two parents who have different political views. They taught us to look at both sides before making a decision.
2. Remember the source
We used to open the paper and turn on the news to get news. Now, depending on what channel you watch, you get commentary and distortion. I dislike it coming from either side. I want unbiased information so I can form my own opinion. As a result of our shift in media, we have to take a step back and filter what we hear and see. It may not be factual.
3. Volunteer for a candidate
When my oldest daughter was an infant, I decided to become politically active. I had a party of choice and went off to a county meeting to participate. I learned more in a few weeks about how the political process works than in 16 years of history, government and civics lessons.  There's nothing like being in the front lines to learn.
4. Allow another opinion
The beautiful thing about running a country is that it isn't yes or no and black or white. It's multidimensional. Somewhere in the last decade or two, we have become focused on being right and making the other guy wrong by default.  When talking about the issues, give your opponent the benefit of the doubt.
5. Do your research
A few years ago in a nearby city, people voted for a candidate who was in jail and unavailable to take office. Why? Because no one paid attention to the fact that she was a convict. They knew her name and voted. Scary, isn't it?
6. Donate to a cause
I think politics has gotten ugly because people tie one party or another to a social cause. If you are pro something, donate to an organization that supports that. Do not take it out on the government. We cannot get things accomplished unless we vote for people who will work together.
7. Think future tense
Think about what our children will inherit if we continue this path of partisanship. I read today about Serbia, a country once divided by a terrible ethnic war. 15 years later, the country lives in enclaves based on religion. Unemployment is 60%. Do we want a red and blue divide to create that for our children?
8. Adopt a world view
Having a multilingual husband helps me here. Franz reads the news in several languages and is shocked by the information we do not see here in the U.S. Did you know we left toxic waste sitting out in the open in Thule, Greenland? Neither did I. Thank goodness I have Google translator to help since I speak only English.
9. Look back
I confess, I am not a huge fan of history. In school, I found it pretty dull. As an adult, I don't know as much as I'd like. Knowing what we used to be can only help us as we move forward.
10. Vote!
Less than 10% of registered voters will show up at the polls in early November. It's generally less than half when the President is on the ballot. It's been so many generations of voting that we have forgotten what a gift we have. Take a look at what citizens in Iraq and The Congo go through in order to vote. We should not care any less than they do.

Your marriage: Instead of buying a kitchen appliance

I am asking for sympathy and I need some help. My wedding anniversary is approaching and I need some ideas. Not just regular old ideas. You see, I am married to a super-star gift giver. He knows just what to do to make the occassion. I, on the other hand, am lame when it comes to shopping. Yes, I have actually bought him kitchen appliances. For his 40th birthday, he got a nice dinner and a coffee maker. What did he get me that year? A trip to Vegas. See what I have to deal with?

So, for today's list, I am going to share some actual gifts I have received from my husband. Gentlemen, don't know what to buy your wife or girlfriend for Christmas, here's your list. Most of them work for either gender so wives can find the perfect gift too. What do I need from you? Some ideas please! Add your thoughts to the comments section below so Franz doesn't end up with a steak knife set or a new pair of everyday work pants.

1.  Scavenger hunt
It started with a phone call and the instruction to go to a nearby department store. Once there, a gorgeous dress was waiting. Another call prompted me to go to a shoe store in the same mall where the clerk showed me sexy heels that complimented the dress. A little nervous now, I had to wait until the last call came. He routed me to our favorite romantic dinner spot where he waited with flowers and a bottle of champagne.
2. Surprise family day
Franz announced that we all needed to be ready for an event at noon. Off we went the local Hard Rock Cafe. The girls thought it was cool and I thought we were done. Nope. Just before the check arrived, Franz produced 4 tickets to the amusement park in a nearby suburb. Imagine the kids' delight. The small suprise turning into something bigger was a perfect delivery.
3. 40 surprises
For weeks before my birthday, Franz dropped hints about a spectacular weekend. He mentioned passports but refused to give me any details. I even had to pack not knowing where we were going or what we were doing. Maddening and excititing at the same time. What did we do? We stayed locally in an upscale hotel and every few hours some new surprise appeared. Nothing in and of itself very expensive, just one after another all weekend long. The final gift toddled out as we pulled into the garage at home. A beautiful puppy with a pink nose and a pink bow greeted me.
4. Concert in the park
Several years ago, Franz learned John Mayer was coming to town. My whole family enjoys his music. A little old to be a groupie, Franz joined the fan club just to get first choice in seating. He bought tickets but kept it all to himself. He announced it a few weeks before the concert by pinning up concert t-shirts to the girls' bedroom doors. The amazing thing is that he knew their taste and size.
5. Home from work
After one stressful day at work, I walked in to find a darkend house and a fire roaring in the den. Franz had set the table with all the care of a 5 star restaurant and cooked a perfect dinner for two. He had the little napkin over his arm when he poured wine. He was dressed in his best suit. Having a relaxing, romantic dinner in the middle of the week, for no occassion whatsoever was an amzing experience.
6. Family Day
When the girls were both living at home Franz would plan a day of kid friendly activities. We went bowling and indulged in fattening bowling alley food. (I would never allow that). We went to the arcade and played interactive dancing, rowing, and jumping rope games. We ganged up on passers-by at the trivia table. The key here is that he did what the girls enjoyed with the enthusiasm of a child. No sitting on the sidelines while the kids play. Get out there and find your inner child.
7. Technology at its best
One birthday, Franz had a small, boring present wrapped. I think it was a sweater. Inside the box he placed a CD which contained a 5 minute slide show leading to a bigger gift. Slides said "Ready?", "Happy Birthday", and other teasing phrases until finally it revealed a long weekend in Vegas.
8. Feathered treasure
Once when shopping together at a home store, I noticed a 3 foot ceramic duck on the shelf. I was enchanted. I loved the idea of people coming to the house asking "Why the duck?". Unfortunately the duck, although not expensive, wasn't priced for whimsical buying. We walked away. At the next holiday, you guessed it, I got the duck. He remembered.
9. Shop 'til you drop
This was an anniversary. We went to the mall to have dinner and walk around. While dining, he produced three gift cards. "You have 1 hour to shop." he announced, paid the restaruant bill and left. I was stunned. Momentarily. I raced from one store to the next buying what I liked immediately and not over-thinking as I often do. It was stressful...and memorable. Precisely one hour later, he picked up a very excited and enchanted wife. Another variation he tried was to take me shopping and stay with me to help me choose something to wear to dinner. Interestingly, this is the one he talks about most.
10. Everyday moments
About once a month, I find small treasures on the counter. A gift card to the coffee shop, a bundle of flowers, or bottle of wine not priced for everyday. The unexpected is more interesting than the obligatory. Honestly, the small surprises are often more fun than opening the Christmas gift. When I ask the reason he always responds "You deserve it." It makes me feel like a princess in a fairy tale.

Your health: Instead of doing crunches

I don't find exercise fun. For me it can be energizing but I rarely enjoy the moments I am working out. This is especially true when I am doing strength training. First I must tell you that I am a weakling. When I started working with a personal trainer about 6 months ago, I had trouble lifting 5 pounds for 3 minutes. Really. I obviously had nowhere to go but up. I've been looking for some fun ways to exercise so I don't get bored. I hope my list helps you keep moving and getting stronger.

1. Know your target
220 minus your age. Keep that formula in mind. That's your max rate. Ideally you are working out at 80% of that number to get full benefit from any cardio. A heart rate monitor is the best way to measure but those can be expensive and uncomfortable. Machines often have sensors although not always reliable. I really like the talking test. You should work out to the level that you can still talk but not sing. It should take effort to hold a conversation.
2. Vary the pace
So you know about ideal heart rate for cardio. Unfortunately your body adjusts quickly to your effort. To keep your brain and lungs guessing, change the pace. Go to the upper end of your heart rate for three minutes and then slow down for three. Next time, try a long, slow workout. This will burn fat. Now you can try a constant pace that challenges you. The point is to do something almost every day and change the routine.
3. Get outside
Yesterday my husband and I worked out by walking at the park. Although not as intense as when we're at the gym, we spent more than an hour. Being outdoors watching people and nature keeps us going longer. We don't live near mountains so our hiking has to be on pavement.
4. Dance
This is my favorite way to exercise. You'll never meet a less coordinated person but I love to dance. Turn up your favorite  music and spend 20 to 30 minutes moving to the beat. Even better if you convince a partner to join you.
5. Play games
My brother and his family have a Wii. They get family workouts in and have a blast doing it. My favorite so far is Wii Active by EA Sports. I especially like the mix of strength training and cardio without the stopping and starting I find in Wii Fit.
6. Ask for help
Your local Y or gym probably offers training sessions. Take advantage of this expertise. I got 4 strength routines created and now can do them on my own. Having a professional guide me through helped shape my behavior so my form is correct. Doing exercise the wrong way can be damaging.
7. Lean to the east
Eastern cultures have many forms of exercise that combine strength and flexibility. Americans have readily adopted yoga and Tai Chi. I found a few DVD's at the local store that guide me through routines for a nice change of pace.
8. Have great sex
What's better than an exercise that uses all three components of exercise, strength, flexibility, and cardiovascular activity?
9. Get a grip
A very recent study on aging found that people who could rise quickly from the seated position have a longer life expectancy. One more exercise that seemed an immediate predictor was hand strength. Participants at the low end of the strength scale were at much higher risk than those at the higher end. I did a quit squeeze test and can tell I have room for improvement in this area.
10. Adopt a puppy
A two year old also works. Following a young child or active dog around all day will wear you out. Pet owners are more likely to walk when they focus on their animal's health. Funny that we won't do something for ourselves but will lace up the sneakers if Rover needs to walk.

Your Career: Instead of procrastinating

I've taught time management classes for more than a decade. You'd think that I would be an expert by now. There is a big difference between knowing something and doing something though. I know there are only 24 hours in a day. I know that it isn't a good idea to procrastinate. Still, I wish I had more time and still I put off boring  or tedious chores. Today's list is a reminder to me and hopefully to you of those tips and tricks that help us stay caught up and on track. 

After doing the research for this one, I was inspired to mulch the flower beds. I love the way freshly mulched gardens looks but don't enjoy the labor that goes along with it. Now I can sit back, enjoy a beautiful day on the deck gazing out at happy, weed-free flower beds.

1. Make unpleasant tasks fun
I found lots of ideas on this one. Listen to music. Race the clock. Distract yourself with television or a video. Get coworkers involved. Many years ago when I was a grad student, we had to stuff 200 conference notebooks. Instead of huddling at our desks, we gathered in the conference room, brought snacks, chatted and worked. I learned more about my fellow students that day then in the previous year.
2. Schedule time
 the first 90 minutes of your day are for creative work. After that take a break to accomplish something you've been putting off. Brain research says we work in 90 minute intervals and then need time to chat or do something mindless. 
3. Delegate
Ever found yourself saying "if you want something done right..." You know the rest, don't you. I am so guilty of this. I like to do it my way. The problem with that is that my list gets too long. Be careful not to give away only the dull items or no one will want to help you. Share the workload and you'll benefit from new ideas and fewer to do lists.
4. Examine the consequences
There are many reasons we procrastinate according to the experts. One is that we are handed work we really don't believe in. Last year my manager assigned me to a project that was clearly going nowhere. We met weekly to create a program that no one wanted. Talk about discouraging! My motivator was looking at the consequence of not doing the work assigned. I would make my manager look bad by not representing the department well. I must admit that I wasn't a superstar on this but I did my part on time every time.
5. Work before reward
My parents taught me this one. Get the yucky stuff done so you can enjoy the fun. I woke up today and got the garden chores finished. Now I can relax. Save the interesting projects until after the dull ones. Do your homework before you watch TV.
6. Simplify
Some of what we have on our to do list is self-generated. The choices we make create work. When you take things out of the environment, you have fewer chores. I have made a conscious decision not to have many decorative items at home.A family friend visited and asked my daughter why the house was bare. Compared to hers, it is. I can dust and vacuum more easily because the table tops are accessible. I won't win any design awards but have hours free to do what I want.
 7. Abandon perfection
 At least I am good at this one. It's a problem for many though. Wanting everything you touch to be perfect takes time. Too much time. Learn where to invest in the details and spend your time there. Other places a quick and dirty job is sufficient. In the work world, it's important to know the difference. Your cultural mores should help you figure this out.
8. Hire help
This one is for the home unless you own your own business. Sometimes, it is better to pay someone to get a task done than to let it sit on your list undone. My daughter gets paid to wash my two border collies. Trust me, it is a bargain. I don't have the strength or patience. She enjoys the compensation. I can't prune a tree or build a fence either.
9. Spend 5 minutes
When my girls were little the house was full of toys. These toys spread faster than kudzu in Georgia. I read a tip that saved my sanity. We called it 5 minute clean up time. Both daughters were willing to work for 5 minutes. I set a timer and off we raced. It's amazing how much 5 minutes of focused attention can get you.
10. Learn your peak performance time
Brains are wired to work best at certain times of the day. Are you a morning lark, getting lots done before your coworkers even arrive? You might be an afternoon achiever most productive after lunch and into the evening. Use your peak time to get the most important tasks accomplished and save non-peak time for easy-to-complete or mindless chores. If you spend a few minutes making a prioritized list or work needing to gt done, you can schedule them. I do my creative thinking early in the day, early in the week and save the easy projects for Friday when I am less motivated and thinking about the weekend. Frankly my Friday work isn't my best so I plan ahead.

What are the types of chores you put off? Any secrets to share with us? Post your most hated tasks and ideas for getting them done in the comment section below.

Your family: Instead of raising a brat

Everyone loves their children, at least most of the time. A few weeks ago, I read a report on child-rearing trends. Many years ago, I started my career teaching parenting classes for a non-profit agency. I have always been interested in the topic. The focus twenty years ago was helping parents with discipline. Spanking was out, talking was in. I have no idea how we've done with the spanking aspect but apparently we're wildly succesful as a nation on talking. According to this article, our kids are tuning us out.

Let me start by saying that I am not an expert. My daughters are far from perfect. It must be hereditary. Today's list is focused on raising responsible, thoughtful kids who delay immediate gratification for long term success at least some of the time. I believe there are many ways to parent and run immediately from any author who claims to have the key. There are too many parents and too many kids out there for a one-size-fits-all approach. Hope you get an idea that helps.

1. Speak then act
As a parent you need both, in this order. Kids need to understand why you make decisions and how their behavior affects others. Sometimes, explanations are enough. If you've explained why and the behavior doesn't change, you need to act. Over-warning is annoying and teaches children that you don't mean what you say. P.S. This one applies to you too. If you say you're going to do something then show your kids what it means to act on your word. Nothing beats a strong role model.
2. Think of others
Here's what I notice as a parent whose children rarely appear with me in public: parents don't think about the feelings of others enough. We all know that kids throw tantrums. We also know that McDonald's is a great place for kids to cut loose. When I am eating at a nice restaurant, say anywhere with candles, I resent having to listen to screaming babies, even happy ones. Airplanes are difficult. I remember that well. You may not be able to control fussing but you can keep your child from kicking the seat in front of you or throwing food.
3. Let kids fail
My daughter has a scholarship to college. Cool, right? Still, she needs to complete the application to get officially accepted. As I write this, it's not done. Huge consequences  happen if she forgets or procrastinates. Believe it or not, I am willing to let them happen. My girls will tell you many similar stories. I don't bail them out. If they forgot a lunch for school, I didn't take them something. They ate yucky forget-your-lunch sandwiches from the cafeteria. My nightmare parenting story is to have grandchildren with irresposible parents. Hopefully by letting them make mistakes now and suffer from those mistakes, my grandchildren will prosper.
4. Don't bribe
I see this one often. I may have done it often when the kids were younger. The sentence goes like this: "If you do ______, then we'll stop at McDonald's on the way home." You can substitute any bribe at the end. You may know your go-to influencer. It's Ok to have treats. Enjoy them with your kids. Making every difficult or unpleasant task have a reward is not a great life skill. Too many tasks in the adult world have no carrot at the end. People need inner-discipline. Help your children develop that now.
5. Play board games
This one deosn't seem to belong on my preachy list. I'll take a break from fussing and share this cool tidbit. Playing old-fashioned games accomplishes a couple of things. You spend time together AND kids use their brain. Another benefit? They also learn to win and to lose. Choose age appropriate games and introduce new ones as they are able. My niece can play many adult games at age 8 because her parents keep them aoround and play often.
6. Explain and negotiate
It may have sounded earlier like I wasn't a fan of talking. On the contrary. Kids need explanations. Give them as much information as they can understand and then just a little more to help them stretch. Teaching them negotiation prepares them for all kinds of adult activities. Marriage is full of negotiation. If you want happily married children allow them to negotiate. When my daughter was young and I asked her to clean her room, she readily replied "How clean do you need it?" I never thought of her response as defiance. To me it was perfect negotiation.
7. Take time for yourself
A tired and over-worked parent is much more likely to give in and give up. Spoiled brats love exhausting mothers and fathers so they can get what they want. Get the sleep you need. Make sure you get a break. You'll be more confident and feel better about your decisions if you do.
8. Buy a trumpet
Ok, somthing quiet is even better. Many studies on delayed gratification and long term effects have some link to playing an instrument. I'm not sure if it's the dedication needed to practice or the impact music has on developing brains. Whatever the link, it's there.
9. Teach kids about money
How? Don't buy too much. Now buy even less. The average suburban child has tons of stuff. So much so that you perhaps have an attic or garage full of the overflow stuff. My neighbors have three kids and so much kid stuff that they rent a storage room and rotate toys in and out of storage.
10. Indulge on purpose
Everyone loves a day of indulgance. Plan it, enjoy it, and remember it. By setting it up as something special it creates meaning and sends the message that it won't happen everyday. I don't do this enough with my daughters. It's easy to get wrapped up in the daily tasks and forget to take time to have a special treat together. When I was living on next to nothing while in grad school, I did this better. Anything we bought was special. We took long walks and talked. we played cards or games. On a very special night we went out for a taco. I couldn't even afford one for myself. what's funny is that the girls talk about this taco night experience as a highlight. It gets more play in the house than amusement parks and water worlds. It must have been the specialness because, trust me, the tacos weren't that good.

Your mind: Instead of wanting what you don't have

Last year, Denmark was rated the happiest nation on Earth. When my husband, a native Dane, read this he was skeptical. People in Denmark pay high taxes, live in small houses or apartments, and own many fewer possessions than most families in the U.S. The odd thing about this is, their taxes and ownership are a big reason why they won the prize. The key, according to the researchers, is that Danes don't expect to have much so they are happy with what they have. I need to learn from this and I thought perhaps you might also benefit.

No matter what my weight, I want to be thinner. No matter what hangs in my closet, the new dress at the mall looks better. I have a fullfilling career, I could be richer. See the pattern? Why is it that we expect to look like Angelina and live like Bill Gates? The obsession with diet fixes and the amount of debt says I am not alone in this. Today's list might give you some ideas for being happy with who you are instead of trying to be something you're not.

1. Accept compliments
A psychologist friend of mine told me that women rarely accept compliments. We say thank you and smile but don't believe them. Try letting your next compliment sink deeply and savor the intended message.
2. Compliment what's good in others
I confess. I do not like Angelina Jolie- for no reason. I haven't seen her movies, not even one. I just don't like her. Why? Mostly because she is beautiful and I am envious. What I am learning to do instead of finding fault with people who are better than me is to compliment them. "She's has a radiant smile." sounds so much less petty than "I don't like her because she is pretty."
3. Talk it up
When I was in school studying psycology we learned about self-talk. I thought the belief that talking yourself up (or down) was silly. Words to yourself cannot be that important, right? Turns out I was wrong. Making positive statements about yourself has a big effect on your self-esteem, not to mention the perception of others. Who would you prefer to work with - the woman who puts herself down or the one who is confident and poised?
4. List your strengths
This one pairs nicely with the one above. If you know what you do well, you can use that information to your advantage. My interest in learning and knowing got me here to this blog. Your creativity or assertiveness will serve you well. Admit you have strengths and then apply them as often as possible.
5. Don't set yourself up to fail
I can't cook. Ask ayone. When the kids were younger I never volunteered to bring cookies to the school party. I am fantastic with napkins though. Knowing what you are not good at is just as valuable as listing your strengths. Bad sense of direction? Leave early so you can get lost and still make the interview. Self-concious about your appearance? Find a store clerk to help you make good wardrobe decisions.
6. Find situational stumbling blocks
Do you notice a place you feel less self-confident? Ok, besides the neighborhood pool. I noticed two places I am particularly sensitive turing a normally self-assured woman into a mess. Identifying the patterns helped me to search for a solution at work. In the other, I just cope and get through it.
7. Volunteer
For one year, I was a poor grad student with two young daughters. We went without, or so we thought. I volunteered in an inner-city after-school program for the Salvation Army and learned differently. I helped those kids, teaching them to shake hands and look people in the eye when they talked. They taught me that education was important and my student status was an investment in the future. It was life-changing thinking for me.
8. Swim with a buddy
I am so fortunate. I have several avenues of support. I've already talked about my husband so I'll highlight my older daughter in this blog. Katy is amazing! She is a busy college student but still takes time to support what I am doing. She may be my only reader. Getting her feedback on what I write really keeps me focused and going. She is a great sounding board in all things and I am lucky to have that kind of relationship. When you are breaking a habit, find that helper and share the details. Research shows that it triples your chance of success. Ditch the critical friends and hang out with people who make you feel good.
9. Keep a gratitude journal
This one has been said by women much more famous than I. It's worth repeating. Focusing on what you have forces you to look for the variety of blessings in your life and serves as a record of reminder when you're feeling less than perfect.
10. Lower your expectations
Let me tell you abot Friday night in my house. I look good.On purpose. There's something wonderful about starting the weekend and I make an effort like on no other day. As I am beautifying, I am imagining flowers and candles and romantic dinners. Most often I get that, sometimes I don't. Franz reminds me that I had plans in my head. How could he know?  I have gotten better on this one. In a few years, I might even pass for a  happy to have what I have Dane.

Your retirement: Instead of working until you're 100

Submitted by Russ and Marilee, active retirees with PhD's

Just as every other life stage, retirement is made up of several phases. You may choose to settle down in a new city. Move closer to family, or stay right where you are. For us, it has come in three phases so far. We packed up everything and put it in storage so we could freely go where we wanted for the first few years. Next we rebuilt the family homestead and finally found a great beach community. These are some of the lessons we learned.

1.  Make sure and communicate with your partner about your retirement plans
Don't assume you know what you partner is thinking.  Know how much time you wish to spend together during your day.  Knowing that can prevent difficulties later.

2. Get expert advice 
Get good financial information in advance of retirement so that you will understand how much to spend each year. We've all seen the stock market results of late so plan for emergencies and stay in your limits.

3. Take a test drive  
You can try out hobbies or volunteer activities while you are still working.  That way you can eliminate those you don't like.  This will be a continuous process.  The beauty about retirement and volunteering is you cna quit and move on to something else.

4.  Stay in the game
If you think you may want or need to work in retirement, you should plan for that while you are still working.

5. Discover yourself
Whatever title or position you held is gone.  Hopefully you have discovered who you are beyond what you did when you worked.

6. Share your time 
This is an opportunity to decide what you wish to do with the rest of your lifewhich we hope includes some volunteering to share your expertise with others.

7.  Shake things up
Retirement is a very good time for a couple to rexamine how "chores" are delegated.  My husband decided he would like to do more cooking.  I was thrilled and he's still our main cook 15 years later.

8. Choose
This means you are in charge of the rest of your life.  Take ownership for your life and make the decisions carefully. Like all other life stages, you learn from your mistakes. Don't forget to plan realistically for your declining years.  Most people avoid this painful subject and then become the "victim" of others decisions.  Please check the reality of your choices with a counselor from your local Office of the Aging. We have seen so many of our friends go from "we're just fine" to a move not of their choosing.

9. Don't intrude 
Even though we live quite a distance from our children and grandchildren we try not to overstay when visiting. We try and keep in touch in other ways.

10. Vacation frugally
Travel can be done in a more inexpensive way by staying a week at a time in a motel with a kitchen and making side trips from that location.  We traversed Canada that way.

Your career: Instead of working for the paycheck

Having a job in this economy is a good thing. I have several friends who have lost their jobs in the recession and feel guilty complaining about mine. Even the most prestigious jobs can get boring and routine. You soon expect less of yourself and of the job which creates a vicious cycle of unengagement.

I am very fortunate to have the job I do. The company is terrific; the people, even better. I do sometimes get into a rut where assignments don't seem very interesting. I've noticed the trend and have a terrific colleague who shares this feeling. Luckily, we've never been bored at the same time and can help motivate when the tasks seem more routine than we'd like. Unfortunately for me, she found another position so now I'm on my own and hoping my list and the ideas you add will help keep my job feeling more like a career than the daily grind.

1. Learn what you love
Back when I was an undergrad, we had the book "What Color is Your Parachute?". It's still available as well as many others to help you discover where your real talents and interest lie.
2.Take time off
Stop the workaholic routine. you need a break and your friends and family need your attention.  Take a vacation for a full week at least once a year. Stop working on your days off too. Get enough sleep. You need time away. If your to do list is consistently too long to complete during regular hours, have a talk with your manager.
3.Hone your skills
No matter where you are on the career ladder, you can always get better at what you do. Stephen Covey used the phrase sharpen your saw in his book "Habits of Highly Effective People". Take a class, practice, and make an effort to get better.
4. Network
Another way to broaden your knowledge is to get to know others in your field. LinkedIn is the Facebook of professional life. Join a business organization or online group to connect with people who do what you hope to do.
5. Be realistic about your goals
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Broadway singer. Unfortunatly my voice doesn't sustain that dream. Make sure what you hope to do is within the realm of possibility so you don't set yourself up for failure. If you want a promotion, take several concrete steps to get you and your company prepared.
6. Learn two levels above you
This is advice I haven't tried but should. I fyo uknow what your boss's boss is working on, you can make sure your work supports that and gain from the additional perspective. What are the goals and priorities two levels above? If you don't know, find out.
7. Work with integrity
When you are tired or burned out, it's easy to slack off. This certainly won't get you to the next level or help you find a better opportunity. Give your current job it's full due even if you know it's not the place you want to be a year from now.
8. List the positives
Make a list of what is good about your position. It serves as a reminder that things are not so bad. It also shows you what you value so you can look for those things in the next one.
9. Find your purpose
It may not be work. You may see your job as a means to an end for another are of your life. My younger daughter has a not-s-good job. She keeps it though because the schedule is flexible so she can focus on school and sports, two things important to her.
10. Look for mentor
Although there are a few organizations who pair mentor and mentees from different organizations, the research on this suggests that informal mentors work better. If you develop a relationship with someone whose work habits you admire, you both benefit. You get advice and a positive role model. The mentor grows by sharing time and information.

Your health: Instead of getting old

Ok, I cannot promise to stop the clock. You will age.

Today's list isn't meant to make 40 the new 30 or make fine lines and wrinkles dissappear forever. There are many articles and gimmicks out there to help you with that. Instead we'll focus on how to make sure you are making the most of whatever age you are.

Putting this list together has been especially good for me. I am in my 40's. My children are leaving the nest to go off to college and beyond. My marriage is a little removed from the puppy love stage. My health, although good, isn't perfect. I started feeling old. I'm not sure if it was the first hot flash or the realization that I am closer to having grandchildren than bearing my own. My husband noticed it. My brother noticed it. I was thinking "old woman" when I should be enjoying the freedom that comes with independant children and a secure relationship.

Since this list is so personal, I do hope you will add your ideas in the comment section. As always, I'll take the best addition and replace one of my own.

1. Take a vitamin
This is something I have never done. My research showed very clearly that if you are eating a typical American diet, you need to. It should be gender specific and come in a capsule form. Tablets don't dissolve as quickly so more of the good stuff gets wasted.
2. Limit calories
Most of us get many more calories than we need. When you're young, it's easier to get away with food splurging. As we age, our metabolism slows. Ask your doctor what your target calorie intake should be and stay within that range every day.
3. Add fruits and vegetables
I have a feelig you've heard this one. I add it only to highlight the age-fighting properties in many of these foods. Here's an easy tip: the deeper the color, the better the food. Dark green kale is healthier than iceberg lettuce.
4. Move
30 minutes every day. No exceptions! You can break it up into ten minute increments if you cannot find the time.
5. Stop complaining
I was starting to sound like the stereotypical Yiddish grandmother. Focus on what you can do (and enjoy yourself).
6. Spend time with children
For those of you with youngsters, you've got it made. Those of us without youngsters in the house need to play more and work less. Kids make that happen. Bonus: it probably covers # 4 as well.
7. Sleep 8 hours
This one doesn't happen for me as much as I'd like. My body wakes me up after about 6 hours most days. Everything I read on aging gracefully mentioned sleep so take the time to get some. Women in the U.S. get far less than our European counterparts.
8. Buy the ointments
I always thought the anti-aging products were a gimmick. Preparing for this list, I did some research on skin care. A pattern emerged quickly. Stay out of the sun, use sunblock, and get some moisturizer. Another helpful hint, expensive isn't always better. Paula Begoun's "Don't go to the make-up counter without this" is a great resource on what to buy.
9. Phone a friend
I'm not sure why but statistically we have fewer friends as we age. No matter the reason, research suggests you have at least 5 close relationships (family doesn't count for this one). If you're a facebook and tweeter, you need 3 times more relationships because these types tend to be personal.
10. Fall in love (again)
You can imagine why I liked this one. Nothing makes a person feel younger than being in love. I am not recommending going after your neighbor's spouse here. Instead make it a goal to re-establish the closeness you had with your partner when you were dating. Take a vacation from everyday marriage and spend a long weekend nesteld together and carefree.

Your health: Instead of eating junk food

You know better. So do I. So why do I stop at Sonic on my way home for some mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce? We eat junk food for many reasons. It tastes good. It's convenient and cheap. Worst of all, it's addictive. Junk food creates the same response in the brain as cigarettes and cocaine. We crave it and the food manufacturers like it that way.

Recently I've read several books on food, a strange topic getting lots of press as our nation and the world get fatter and unhealthier. My favorite writer is Michael Pollen, author of three great books on the subject. David Kessler, M.D. has also published an easy-to-read book specifically focusing on junk food. The egg rolls at Chili's, my husband's favorite, get an entire chapter.

Knowing what to eat, and what not to eat isn't enough though. We all need strategies to keep us away from the fast and greasy choices when temptation strikes. Today's list is designed to share ideas on ways to prepare for these temptations and what to do when you really want those french fries.

1. Drink water
Often what feels to us like hunger is really the first sign of dehydration. Enjoy a glass of water and wait ten minutes. You may find that's all you really wanted.
2. Find your triggers
In Dr. Kessler's book, he notes that certain types of food trigger our addiction response. For one co-worker, it's sugar. For my husband, it's potato chips. Knowing your trigger can help you avoid them completely. According to this author, cold turkey is all that works for these types of foods.
3. Carry a back up
I rarely eat junk food when I have an alternative. If I take time to shop for fresh fruit and veggies that easily travel, I am less likely to go to the snack machine.
4. Shop the permimeter
If snacking at home is an issue, fill your pantry with foods purchased in the produce and dairy sections. Grocery stores designed the middle aisles to tempt you with over-processed foods that add little nutrition to your body.
5. Find a new favorite
You never know what you'll like until you try it. I recently found both grilled pineapple and hummus and wonder what I used to eat before knowing about them. When you vary healthy foods you stay interested.
6. Track what you eat
There are many good sites to track your calorie intake. Try FitDay and Calorie King which allow you to budget your eating and see what nutrients you're consuming. Using Calorie King, I noticed too many of my calories came from carbs and was able to change the pattern by adding more fruits and vegatables to my diet.
7. Go for a hike
When you want to stop at In and Out Burger, try the park instead. Exercise reduces food cravings and burns fuel to compensate for an occassional slip up.
8. Make rules
I never eat dessert. EVER. By having a rule, you prepare yourself for the tempatation and add an element of control into your eating. You can decide that you drink water instead of soft drinks. Choose green tea over mocha coffee.
9. Eat green
Find your local farmer's market and support a green economy. Locally grown food saves transportation and often has higher nutritional value per serving.
10. Allow a favorite
Like ice cream? Have some, occasionally. Enjoy french fries? Order them monthy instead of daily. Small changes make a big difference. Give into a good food as long as it isn't our trigger (see number 2).

Add your ideas for avoiding junk food in the comment section below.

Your look: Instead of getting stuck in a beaty rut

Submitted by Kathryn.

1. Let your friend choose your clothes for one night out
Even if you don't love the look, it could inspire a slight shift in style.

2. Google a celebrity and try his/her look for a day.
I love love Taylor Swift's eyeliner. Take a look at what the a-listers are wearing for inspiration.

3. Go thrift store shopping for one unique piece
When my friend was in college she used to frequent the local thrift store and found many gems that added beautifully to her wardrobe. One or two diverse items can change the look and keep you thinking about new ways to wear classic clothes.


4. Wear one jazzy accessory
leopard print shoes, cowboy boots, or a chunky necklace are my favorites

5. K.I.S.S.
My favorite look is wearing classic clothes that fit perfectly. You want to wear the clothes, not vice versa

6. Try a new style braid. 
Bad hair day? Even the frizziest hair gets tamed into a braid. Tip- Braid wet with some smoothing cream

7. Eat Well
When I have an "ugly" day, I always feel soooo much better when I'm fueling my body with nutritious food. Even if your outside is not at your best, making the inside feel better will make you feel better overall. & it'll show.

8. Exercise
Getting blood flowing makes your cheeks naturally pink and skin glow not to mention a tighter tush.

9. Do something you really enjoy
A smile makes everyone look great so spend your time doing things make you shine. Pouting and misery are not good accessories.

10. Hang around people who will make you feel pretty regardless of how you look.
Best friend criticizing your look? Friends tease you about the non-designer shoes? You need new friends. Choose a crowd that appreciates you for who you are not what you wear.

Your marriage: Instead of letting married life get dull

Nothing equals the feeling of being newly in love. It is wonderfully consuming, filled with anticipation and excitement. After a few years of togetherness, though, the feelings dissipate. You've already heard his childhood stories and laughed together at her cute little mannerisms. My husband, a romantic European, kept the newly-wedded bliss much longer than most. Still, at about our 6th year, something faded. We found ourselves picking dinner spots on people-watching availability rather than on romantic atmosphere. I had an epiphany. We needed someone to watch because we had nothing to say to each other.

It's easy to get into a marriage rut but imperative that you don't. Read today's tips to expand your ideas and don't forget to share your ideas in the comments. I will choose from your submissions and add the best idea to my list.

1. Don't be equal, be fair
My co-worker, recently married, was worried that she was going to end up with all the chores. She refused to do his dishes, his laundry, or his shopping.  Making two trips to the store and doing separate loads of laundry doesn't make sense. When I explained that fair isn't always split down the middle she relaxed. In our house, Franz runs all the errands and I do the inside chores like laundry.
2. Laugh
Research suggests that a partner who can make you laugh is a long-term keeper. It's more important than looks or income level as a predictor of long-term compatibility.
3. Date
We are almost empty nesters so this one is easy. When the girls were younger though, it seemed impossible. Trust me, a baby-sitter is worth her weight in gold. Make a monthly habit of dressing up and going out.
4. Compliment more, demand less
We women know what we want and ask for it. The problem is that we don't notice what we are getting. Instead, we notice what is NOT happening. So make it a point to compliment him often. You will teach yourself to notice what is working and...
5....encourage what you want to see
When you thank your spouse for doing something, you are more likely to see that behavior again. Complimenting and encouraging get results.
6. Learn his P.O.V.
Men and women look at the world differently. Our brains are wired differently. Understand more about your spouse so you can see things from his perspective. You'll give better gifts, have fewer arguments, and spend more quality time together.
7. Take time away
When you have some separate interests and hobbies, you'll have something to talk about when you are together. Make it a point to cultivate your talents. My husband and I have a joke that we need to make sure to have a "story" to share when we talk.
8. Surprise him
My girlfriends often complain that their husbands are not romantic. When was the last time you put together a surprise evening? Kids and in-laws don't work here. Do something he really enjoys like watching a live sporting event or going to see the action movie.
9. Keep up the hygiene
This one sounds obvious. Still a gentle reminder that you should take time and care with your appearance is needed.   Remember that we think differently. Men need more visual appeal in their routine. Even if he looks like yesterday's training camp, make an effort to pep up your style. I am pretty casual most days but every Friday night, even if we are staying home, I put on make up (a rare thing) and fix my hair for the start of the weekend. It helps keep the weekend special.
10. Kiss
This one belongs right next to number 9 for obvious reasons. Did you know that kissing releases a brain chemical found in new lovers. It's easy to go from long wet kisses when you were dating to quick air kisses as you come home from a busy day. Make a point to kiss, the real kind, often. You can discover the results yourself.

Now it's your turn. What do you and your partner do to keep love fun, interesting, and far from routine? Post your ideas in the comments below.

Your retirement: Instead of having a boring retirement

submitted by Russ and Marilee, active retirees with PhD's

For probably the first time in your life YOU are the one to make the choices. Here are some tips to help you stay active and engaged during the relaxing years of life.

1. Plan your to-do's
When you retire make sure you and your partner plan how you're going to spend your time and resources in those special years.  We had friends who never talked about what they were going to do and assumed the partner had the same thoughts.  Needless to say they had very different plans and a stormy start!

2. Help the community
We strongly encourage volunteerism.  Thare are many organizations who can benefit from your expertise AND you can usually choose your hours.

3.Choose fitness 
It is important to incorporate exercise in your day and a combination of aerobic, strength training and flexibility training is best.  It benefits all parts of your body and even 15 to 30 minutes can make a large difference.  It even helps your brain repair itself and we need all of that we can get:)  (G. Bortzokis MD at UCLA)

4.  Pace yourself!  
More than once we have been so enthusiastic at an opportunity that we have overcommitted ourselves physically and timewise.  As much as we don't wish to focus on it, we are not 30 or even 50 anymore.

5.  Do one thing different every day!  
This is another way to keep your mind active.  Put a different shoe on first,  brush your teeth with a different hand or walk a different route. Small challenges to your routine keep those synapses fired up.

6.  Keep learning! 
Learn a new skill. Play a new musical instrument or learn another language.  We have become Master Gardeners and Master Naturalist and are always looking for new opportunities to add to our knowledge.

7.  Keep social
As we age, friends become even more valuable.

8.  Stay positive
Negativity pulls you down and uses energy.  Get rid of items that you don't like and spend time with people who lift your spirits - hopefully one of them is your partner.

9.  Take a nap
As we age naps refresh you.  This is another wonderful aspect of retirement. Brain Rules has an entire section dedicated to the importance of naps. Did you know NASA scientists see huge improvements in their astronauts ability to complete complex tasks after a refreshing nap? Sleeping as little as 26 minutes in the afternoon has a huge effect on your attention to detail.

10.  Enjoy your environment
Find something to do outside every day. Taking out the trash doesn't count.

Your social life: Instead of Lamenting about Being the Only Single Girl on the Planet.

It’s summer and wedding fever seems to be spreading faster than the swine flu.  Instead of bawling at home during another sappy movie spooning straight from the tub of Ben & Jerry’s, here are some suggestions about how to enjoy your single-girl status. 

1. Girl’s Night

While the obvious suggestion, try taking a new twist on an old classic. Instead of splurging on the nightlife, try trading cooking lessons. My girlfriends and I take turns cooking our specialty and teaching the others how. More of a Chef Boy-ar-dee? Try sharing other unique hobbies and talents with each other. You’ll find a newfound closeness with the girls and learn something new in the process!

2. Do something you’ve always wanted to

It’s definitely more difficult to jump start a hobby on your own, but flying solo makes you seem like the brazen, confident woman in the room! I personally love going to a new part of the city to window shop by myself. It’s nice to absorb a different environment without the distraction of others. Whether you pick up that Classic novel you’ve been waiting to read or start scuba diving- you’ll be living for you.

3. Adopt A Pet

Whether a Beta or a Binturong, studies show that owning an animal brings us personal fulfillment. Humans are notoriously social creatures and benefit from companionship. Studies show that we feel happier when pets are in the picture, so add one to the family, no matter how small! (1986 alert! Pet rocks do not count)

4.  Find your inner creativity

My personal favorite, take some time to inspire yourself to keep a journal, doodle, or even make a blog! In a busy scheduled world, it’s so difficult to think outside the regimented norm. I have trained my brain to switch into creativity mode by turning on some new music and playing with a pencil. Sometimes I end up with an epic drawing, other times I just doodle around the song lyrics.

5. Subscribe to Something

 I have tried Cosmo, Psychology Today, and Mental Floss although my friends highly recommend the Beer of The Month Club. It’s amazing the tid-bits you can pick up from new subscriptions that turn you into a suave factoid machine at the next social gathering. I prefer Psychology Today so that my party facts are at least backed by scientific evidence. PsychologyToday.com

6. Be selfish  

Everytime I’m around children (& sometimes men) I’m reminded what a challenge being a parent/girlfriend is. I feel so fortunate that I can come and go as I please without having to pack a diaper bag or my boyfriend’s toothbrush. Splurge on you and be thankful you’re not paying for two!

7. Plan a Trip

Speaking of paying for two- one airfare is much more reasonable than two. I’m a bit of a history buff and plan on visiting the Mayan ruins in Mexico soon. My girlfriends weren’t interested in joining, so I’m going to try this one on my own. Just planning the trip is giving me a sense of adventure!

8.  Learn a Language

As an American, I’m probably lucky if I can recall high school Spanish. Now that I have time on Friday nights, I can learn something that will boost both my resume and dating pool.

9. Climb the Corporate Ladder

Focus on powering to the top! You are free to move anywhere without asking permission from your significant other! Take that big promotion in Paris!

10. Find Yourself
Dating magazines always profess that you have to be comfortable with who you are before you can share yourself with someone else. For once, I think they’re right. Think about what you want to be so you can find someone who complements that beautiful person you are!

Submitted by Kathryn.

Your finances: Instead of keeping up with the Jones'

Do you ever look at someone and compare your body type to theirs? Ever wish you could give a presentation like a colleague? Do you find yourself wishing you had the cool new car your neighbors drive? If any of these sound like you, here's a list of 10 things to do instead of trying to look, act, or own like others.

1. Focus on what you have
When a new gadget gets released by Apple, the one you have loses its luster. They do this on purpose. The electronics business is counting on the fact that you will want the latest and greatest technology. Instead of feeling a need to have the newest toy, be grateful for what you already own. research on gratitude
2. Do something free
When I told my older daughter about this topic her first idea was "Play Skip-Bo". She remembers many a weekend sitting on the deck out back having tournaments. We made it fun with normally forbidden junk food and music.  We've had poker tournaments that the girls' friends wanted to join. I am still trying to learn chess. Because of diverse weekly schedules we are homebodies on the weekend. You can venture out for free fun at the park or community center.
3. Stop comparing
I read a book this year that changed how I think about comparisons. "What's Holding You Back?" by Sam Horn covers many topics. The most powerful for me was the chapter on comparing yourself to others. Now I try to compliment people who have more and better instead of feeling the need to compete.  I went from resenting a strong co-worker to cherishing her wonderful abilities. free activities
4. Volunteer
There's nothing like seeing what others don't have to make you appreciate your situation. When my girls were in middle and high school they thought every parent bought expensive clothes for their children and were upset when I would not. Volunteering with The Salvation Army after school program in a local housing community gave them a broader perspective.
5. Know your budget
Do you know the debt of the average American family? I found statistics saying we have 10 to 30 thousand dollars in credit card bills and car payments. The cost of housing was not included. Wow! If you cannot afford it, don't buy it. My husband and I have work to do on this one. Any ideas for us? free budgeting software
6. Raise your self-esteem
Not as easy as it sounds. The greatest percentage of self-esteem is set in childhood. We adults have a more difficult time raising the bar. You can do this two ways according to Dorothy Corkille Briggs, the seminal expert on self-esteem. First spend time doing things you are naturally good at. Second, shore up weaknesses by practicing what you are not good at but need to master. I will have to devote more time to this in another list, it's important.
7. Work towards something
Want a cool vacation on the beach? Save for it and pay cash. Interested in going back to school? Make plans to save for tuition. Having something to work towards sets a great example for the kids and helps you do without on the short-term. There is a terrific book called "Switch" that talks about how to work toward important changes at home and in the business world. It's one of my favorite reads.
8. Unenroll
Kids today are doing too much. If your child is taking dance lessons, playing soccer, and taking music lessons, perhaps they are over-programmed. Limit activities to maximize family time and reduce stress. Some activities are good. The experts say three hours a week is optimal for kids under 12.
9. Fix instead of replace
It's almost always cheaper to repair a car instead of replacing it. Recently I spent  $21 dollars to make three pairs of shoes look like new. I had to search for the shoe-repair shot but it was worth it. Not handy, find a reputable handyman and keep the card on file. reasearch by David Elkind author of "The Hurried Child"
10. Try a month without spending
Two years ago, I tried a whole year without buying anything I didn't need. I goofed three times. I was amazed at how many purchases could be avoided. I don't suggest a year, it might feel punative. Try one month only buying what you really need and let me know how it goes.

Your home: Instead of letting clutter pile up

My grandmother passed away several years ago and it took her children a year to sort out all the clutter. I still get calls asking if I want something from her lifetime treasures. I loved my grandmother, whom I called Buppy, more than anyone. It's tempting to keep the artifacts of her life. The objects that filled her home are associated with happy family memories. They have sentimental value.

I just don't have a place or use for them. Keeping an uncluttered home is difficult these days.I found one reference in a book by Daniel Pink that said there are more storage facilities in the U.S. than fast food restaurants. Instead of storing stuff to make room for more, let's looks for some experts' ideas to reduce clutter in your home.

1. Take care of it immediately
In his book, "Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress Free Productivity", David Allen suggests doing tasks that take under 2 minutes immediately. When mail comes in, sort through it and throw away junk before it hits the counter top. If you can pay the bill in under 2 minutes, do it. Instead of letting things stack up, tackle them immediately and get them out of the way.
2. Make rules
When my husband and I were dating he asked me to promise that I would not own more than 10 pairs of shoes. Coming from a country where people have many fewer possessions made him acutely aware of the contrast in America. Seven years later, I still abide by this rule. If one pair comes in, another must go out.   Set limits and stick to them.
3. Designate a place
Remember the mantra "a place for everything and everything in its place"? The experts agree. By having a designated space for objects you stay organized and you keep from letting what you have over-take you. I love books. I don't think I could own enough books. To keep from getting cluttered, I keep all of my books on a bookcase in my office. If they don't fit, something has to go. If your clothes take up three closets, perhaps it's a sign that you need to donate.
4. Become an anti-consumer
We have more than we've ever had before. Look in your kitchen. How many appliances do you own? Research says we have 48% more than our parents. Count your computers, televisions, and other electronic devices. How many do you need? When I met my husband, he owned two pair of jeans, two pair of shoes, and ten or fifteen shirts and sweaters. After nearly a decade in the U.S. his wardrobe has quadrupled. article on consumerism
5. Break cleaning into chunks
Go through one room and clean it up. Get rid of all the things you don't use regularly. I liked one organization expert who suggested turning your clothes inside out in the closet. If they aren't right side out in 6 months or a year, you know you can easily let them go. When the kids were little, we used to have 5 minute clean up time. The house was never immaculate but it was better.
6. Organize email clutter
I don't have to tell you the average number of email messages sent and received each day. You know. To keep work and home email organized you need a strategy. David Allen suggests keeping your inbox completely free of messages. Although I have never been 100% empty, I work toward this goal.  email clutter strategies
7. Have a garage sale
Why not make some money off the clutter? You can post things at online auction sites or have a good old-fashioned garage sale. Make a rule that whatever doesn't sell gets donated to make sure the clutter doesn't make its way back in the house.
8. Take before and after photos
Need some motivation? Take a picture of your kitchen junk drawer, or your closet. Clean it out and take another snapshot. The difference will keep you working room by room, surface by surface to get it all done.
9. Enlist a friend
My niece likes to collect things. Her room is filled to the brim with "valuables" she has tucked away. Her parents have little luck getting her to throw things out. Interestingly, when my daughter visits they work together to winnow the piles. The outsider coming to convince her to discard and donate is more successful than the insider. Do you have a logical and persuasive friend who can help assess what can go and what should remain?
10. Look for the reason have too much
Sometimes we keep things for reasons other than need. I was tempted to store my grandmother's knick knacks to have a piece of her life close by. The experts cite several reasons for amassing possessions such as low self-esteem, and a need to keep up with the Jones'. Extreme clutter can signify hoarding behavior. I am not sure if there are increasing numbers of hoarders or if this issue is more recognized and diagnosed. Either way, there are many avenues and options if you or a friend display hoarding tendencies. research on hoarding

Your family: Instead of yelling at your kids

The scene: a local playground.
The subjects: two children playing in the sand next to my park bench

"Tyler, Jason, time to leave!"
"If you don't come here right this instant I am leaving without you."
"OK, I am going now. Come on boys you are in SO MUCH TROUBLE"
The older boy looked at the younger one and said "It's OK, She's not really mad yet."

The boys continued playing until the mother walked over and stood over them shouting. It was pretty clear to everyone that now, she was mad.

Why does it feel like kids don't listen unless we shout and threaten?
Today's list gives 10 things to do instead of screaming at your kids.

1. Offer choices
Many parenting experts talk about giving choices. In a few well-circulated books, the authors suggest combining choice with a consequence such as "clean your room or you are grounded'. In my opinion that isn't a choice. I think they should be two equal things that get you what you want and give kids an option.

• "Would you like to pick up your Barbie toys or the Lego blocks first?"
• "Would you like carrots or an apple for snack?" 

an instructional video on choices
2. Set yourself up for success
I find that I can sometimes avoid a yelling situation by changing something in the environment. For instance, when the kids come through the front door they leave shoes and sporting equipment everywhere. By buying two plastic bins and setting them by the garage door, they can easily dump their stuff and I have a clean entryway. Be creative with this one. You can find something to add, something to change, or something to take away that eliminates the problem all together.
3. Take a time out
I know, this one seems over-done. I wish I could take the one minute per year of age for myself and head to the mall. For me, it's not about the amount of time. Its about calming down. Need three minutes to get composed, take it. If it takes longer, ask a friend or a spouse to take over so you can get away and recover.
read more
4. Do something fun together
When my girls were bored, fighting often ensued. The sibling rivalry got on my nerves and yelling quickly followed. Instead, experts suggest changing the mood by doing an activity together. You can take a walk, go to the park, play a game. Anything to get the kids doing something constructive and fun will reduce stress and misbehavior. fun ideas
5. Whisper 
My mother started out as a screamer but I don't remember ever hearing her raise her voice. Why not? As a student of psychology, she taught herself to whisper whenever she became angry. She lowered her voice. We knew she was mad and had to lower ours to listen. To this day, a whisper sends that "I'm in trouble" chill up my spine. I think the quiet voice was much more effective.
6. Do what you say you will do
In the story of the two boys in the park, clearly they understood that their Mom was not going to follow through on her threats. They played despite her yelling at them. Experts recommend consistency in parenting. In my head, consistency is not doing the same thing every time, it is doing what I say I am going to do. The kids know and develop trust that I will follow through. I have to be careful about what I say and leave empty threats out of the equation.
7. Make sure you have realistic expectations
Books on child development are wonderful for this idea. Knowing what is normal  behavior for a certain age helps you determine what kids can do. One of my favorites is Elizabeth Crary's "Pick Up Your Socks". It lists all household chores by age so you know when to start asking for help and when the child can do them without assistance. link to "Pick Up Your Socks" Understanding what is developmentally appropriate helps you with toddler tantrums and teenage rebellion and most things in between.
8. Take time for yourself
Parenting is exhausting and offers no vacation or lunch breaks. You have to make them. Doing small things every day or every week to keep you at your peak is a requirement. Make time for workouts, quiet time, and hobbies so you don't become over-worked and resentful. I like having a little time every day for myself. You may want to save up time and take a longer, weekly break. tips for single parents
9. Mix it up
There are hundreds of ideas on teaching discipline. Throw away any book that says the technique listed is the only way to have well-behaved children. You will need an arsenal of ideas to discipline on a daily basis. Learn ten more techniques and then change them around. The child, the situation, and your mood all influence what strategy will work most effectively. A chore chart might work for a few months and suddenly lose it's motivational potency. Change it up. Keep it fresh.
10. Don't expect perfection
No matter how many books you read on perfect parenting, you are human. You will have times when you'll lose your cool and shout like a raving lunatic. It happens. Forgive yourself and move forward. Luckily kids are resilient when it comes to shouting parents. You made it through your parents screaming, didn't you?  Although frequent tantrums are not good for parent or child, know that the occasional goof does not make you a bad parent. Your mistakes are important teaching opportunities. Apologizing for yelling and doing better next time provides a terrific role model for children. article on making mistakes in parenting

Your finances: Instead of going in debt for college

(written by a student who did college debt free in only 3 years)
Ahoy, Senior Sailor! Your final voyage is about to set off! School has started. Prom, senior skip day, senior picnic, and graduation are right around the corner, so you should just kick back and enjoy the cruise, right? WRONG! Senior year is THE critical year for college preparation. Properly navigating this year can determine whether you’re attending your dream school, drowning in student loans, or working on the Jolly Rodger because you didn’t consider college until it was too late. Here are 10 things to do to prepare for college and catch that elusive big fish- scholarships.

1. Make a CollegeBoard.com Account & check it weekly
If you do nothing else your senior year, DO THIS! This website was created by the same company that creates the SAT. It’s full of all sorts of data on colleges, scholarships, test prep, and even has a customizable financial planner. This is the single most valuable tool in your college preparation arsenal, use it! (No they didn’t pay me to say this.)college board
2. Take the SAT or ACT again.
Many guidance counselors stress the importance of taking these tests during your junior year but forget to mention that taking it senior year may be a great investment too. Colleges accept these scores for scholarship consideration until spring of senior year; One hundred more points on the SAT may translate to $5,000 of scholarship money. Sign up for a test-prep class first thing senior year and take both tests at least twice. It’s definitely worth every penny! (Note- Because I was on a tight budget, I asked my teachers to tutor me after school instead of enrolling in a formal test-prep class. Most were more than willing.)

3. Sign up for Scholarship Websites
There are several websites that compile private scholarship information and put it in one place. These websites often allow you to enter your information and experiences and bring up a relevant list of scholarships for which you qualify. I suggest searching by dollar amount and applying to the biggest ones first, then begin working by deadline due. Use a planner to write down scholarship deadlines and try to apply for at least one every week. Some scholarships only require that you submit your name in a random drawing. Some are given to every individual who qualifies and applies. (Note- Be very wary of any “scholarship” that requires you to pay to apply. Do not apply unless you can verify their legitimacy.) Scholarships.com Fastweb.com

4. Research Schools
Use the collegeboard.com and .edu websites to look up school statistics, and then compare them with sites that rank schools. What is the cost of attendance (COA)? What is the average/minimum test score required to attend? How big is the school? How good is their intramural/ varsity sports program? What % of student who apply get accepted? How many people commute/live in dorms/do Greek life? Start creating an idea of what you’re looking for in a university and compare that with how the school is ranked (your intended major or overall if you’re unsure). I knew I wanted the best ranked business school for my COA, but some of my peers were more concerned with the amenities of the school. By researching, you can develop a picture of what a school can do for you! http://colleges.usnews.rankingsandreviews.com/best-colleges/

5. Use College Visit Days
Looking at colleges on paper (or a computer screen) is one thing. Visiting a school and getting a feel for how the campus functions is totally different. After researching, I picked 5 colleges to visit and took notes of how I felt after each one. I was surprised to see that some front runners going into the search were not the schools I could see myself being happy at. Call ahead to schedule the campus visit and talk to the students in the admissions office. I was able to cross one school off my list after I talked to 3 very unhelpful students who gave poor impressions of their university. Take a close relative or friend who knows you well to the visit, but don’t let them bias your decision. The next 4 years of your life (or 20% of your life so far) will be spent here and only you can decide on the best fit.

6. Write 2 super amazing entrance essays
Have the very best English teacher at your school review two admission essays that are applicable when applying to almost every school. Start with a grabbing introduction that tells a story about who you are, and end with a revelation that displays change and development. Make sure to have references to the things you have accomplished while in High School as it really makes your resume come alive. Don’t be afraid to get creative. Schools eat up uniqueness! Here are some examples of what your essays should look like: http://www.college-admission-essay.com/essays.html

7. Apply to at least 3 schools & their scholarships
I applied to every college that sent me a brochure waiving the application fee, for a total of around 20 colleges. By applying to so many schools I was able to “haggle” with scholarships. After receiving an offer, I’d call a comparable school and inform them of my offer at a competing school. Often they’d say they could match it or do better. If time is a constraint, be sure to apply to one relatively sure-bet, one that will offer you a large scholarship (often beneath your capability), and one “reach” where your test scores are at the lower end of what they normally accept. You’ll often be surprised to find that your great essay pushed you into a school you didn’t think you could get into. Note- Make sure that when you’re submitting your application, you’re also applying for scholarships & student housing- some schools make you complete two or even three separate applications. Don’t be afraid to call if you’re unsure.

8. Sign-up for AP classes and take the tests
My friends said I was nuts my senior year. I signed up for SIX AP CLASSES. They poked fun of me for doing homework senior year, or for spending time applying for scholarships instead of going to the Bowl-A-Rama. Because I took so many AP classes, I was able to graduate a full year early from college. This saved me over $45,000 and allowed my scholarships to be applied to student loans from the prior three years. Although I never bowled a 200, taking AP classes my senior year made me a rare occurrence- a debt free college graduate. (Note- If your AP score is on the borderline for what your college accepts, call and ask if you can get the credit anyway, or take the school’s placement exam. If the course isn’t fundamental to your major, you may find some unexpected leniency. I got 10 hours of Spanish credit this way.)

9. Ask Questions
Applying for college & scholarships is an aggressive process. You may find that building a repertoire with a few key people may go a long way. I made an appointment with my guidance counselor about once every quarter senior year to talk about the next steps in the college-bound process. He really helped me stay on track and also got me in touch with alumni of the schools I was interested in- one whom is even helping to “subsidize” my education. I also called my colleges of interest and asked to speak with students. I even went for a 3-day trip and stayed with a student majoring in my intended field. I went to class with her and spent the weekend living in a dorm. This really eased my anxiety about college. You'll find that asking questions gives you an advantage over students who just send off the paperwork and wait.

10. Have it all done & finished with by spring break
At this point colleges have had their applications open for awhile, and at some schools the deadline has passed and you’ve received an offer. You should be pretty set on where you want to go at this point, or at least have it narrowed down to two options and be waiting to hear back on final offers. The major senior year festivities are right around the corner and it’s finally time to enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime experience.



Applying to college may seem like a HUGE undertaking, but really it’s a great way to prepare for actually being in college. I found that working diligently senior year made the gap between high school and college narrow significantly. You’ll probably even find that with good time management skills, following the ten steps above don’t actually take time away from friends and family. I still had a solid social life senior year & really enjoyed myself.



Bon Voyage, Sailor. It’s your turn to brave the murky waters of your pre-college year. Good luck!
Written by Kathryn.