The scene: a local playground.
The subjects: two children playing in the sand next to my park bench
"Tyler, Jason, time to leave!"
"If you don't come here right this instant I am leaving without you."
"OK, I am going now. Come on boys you are in SO MUCH TROUBLE"
The older boy looked at the younger one and said "It's OK, She's not really mad yet."
The boys continued playing until the mother walked over and stood over them shouting. It was pretty clear to everyone that now, she was mad.
Why does it feel like kids don't listen unless we shout and threaten?
Today's list gives 10 things to do instead of screaming at your kids.
1. Offer choices
Many parenting experts talk about giving choices. In a few well-circulated books, the authors suggest combining choice with a consequence such as "clean your room or you are grounded'. In my opinion that isn't a choice. I think they should be two equal things that get you what you want and give kids an option.
- "Would you like to pick up your Barbie toys or the Lego blocks first?"
- "Would you like carrots or an apple for snack?"
2. Set yourself up for success
I find that I can sometimes avoid a yelling situation by changing something in the environment. For instance, when the kids come through the front door they leave shoes and sporting equipment everywhere. By buying two plastic bins and setting them by the garage door, they can easily dump their stuff and I have a clean entryway. Be creative with this one. You can find something to add, something to change, or something to take away that eliminates the problem all together.
3. Take a time out
I know, this one seems over-done. I wish I could take the one minute per year of age for myself and head to the mall. For me, it's not about the amount of time. Its about calming down. Need three minutes to get composed, take it. If it takes longer, ask a friend or a spouse to take over so you can get away and recover.
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4. Do something fun together
When my girls were bored, fighting often ensued. The sibling rivalry got on my nerves and yelling quickly followed. Instead, experts suggest changing the mood by doing an activity together. You can take a walk, go to the park, play a game. Anything to get the kids doing something constructive and fun will reduce stress and misbehavior. fun ideas
5. Whisper
My mother started out as a screamer but I don't remember ever hearing her raise her voice. Why not? As a student of psychology, she taught herself to whisper whenever she became angry. She lowered her voice. We knew she was mad and had to lower ours to listen. To this day, a whisper sends that "I'm in trouble" chill up my spine. I think the quiet voice was much more effective.
6. Do what you say you will do
In the story of the two boys in the park, clearly they understood that their Mom was not going to follow through on her threats. They played despite her yelling at them. Experts recommend consistency in parenting. In my head, consistency is not doing the same thing every time, it is doing what I say I am going to do. The kids know and develop trust that I will follow through. I have to be careful about what I say and leave empty threats out of the equation.
7. Make sure you have realistic expectations
Books on child development are wonderful for this idea. Knowing what is normal behavior for a certain age helps you determine what kids can do. One of my favorites is Elizabeth Crary's "Pick Up Your Socks". It lists all household chores by age so you know when to start asking for help and when the child can do them without assistance. link to "Pick Up Your Socks" Understanding what is developmentally appropriate helps you with toddler tantrums and teenage rebellion and most things in between.
8. Take time for yourself
Parenting is exhausting and offers no vacation or lunch breaks. You have to make them. Doing small things every day or every week to keep you at your peak is a requirement. Make time for workouts, quiet time, and hobbies so you don't become over-worked and resentful. I like having a little time every day for myself. You may want to save up time and take a longer, weekly break. tips for single parents
9. Mix it up
There are hundreds of ideas on teaching discipline. Throw away any book that says the technique listed is the only way to have well-behaved children. You will need an arsenal of ideas to discipline on a daily basis. Learn ten more techniques and then change them around. The child, the situation, and your mood all influence what strategy will work most effectively. A chore chart might work for a few months and suddenly lose it's motivational potency. Change it up. Keep it fresh.
10. Don't expect perfection
No matter how many books you read on perfect parenting, you are human. You will have times when you'll lose your cool and shout like a raving lunatic. It happens. Forgive yourself and move forward. Luckily kids are resilient when it comes to shouting parents. You made it through your parents screaming, didn't you? Although frequent tantrums are not good for parent or child, know that the occasional goof does not make you a bad parent. Your mistakes are important teaching opportunities. Apologizing for yelling and doing better next time provides a terrific role model for children. article on making mistakes in parenting
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