Everyone loves their children, at least most of the time. A few weeks ago, I read a report on child-rearing trends. Many years ago, I started my career teaching parenting classes for a non-profit agency. I have always been interested in the topic. The focus twenty years ago was helping parents with discipline. Spanking was out, talking was in. I have no idea how we've done with the spanking aspect but apparently we're wildly succesful as a nation on talking. According to this article, our kids are tuning us out.
Let me start by saying that I am not an expert. My daughters are far from perfect. It must be hereditary. Today's list is focused on raising responsible, thoughtful kids who delay immediate gratification for long term success at least some of the time. I believe there are many ways to parent and run immediately from any author who claims to have the key. There are too many parents and too many kids out there for a one-size-fits-all approach. Hope you get an idea that helps.
1. Speak then act
As a parent you need both, in this order. Kids need to understand why you make decisions and how their behavior affects others. Sometimes, explanations are enough. If you've explained why and the behavior doesn't change, you need to act. Over-warning is annoying and teaches children that you don't mean what you say. P.S. This one applies to you too. If you say you're going to do something then show your kids what it means to act on your word. Nothing beats a strong role model.
2. Think of others
Here's what I notice as a parent whose children rarely appear with me in public: parents don't think about the feelings of others enough. We all know that kids throw tantrums. We also know that McDonald's is a great place for kids to cut loose. When I am eating at a nice restaurant, say anywhere with candles, I resent having to listen to screaming babies, even happy ones. Airplanes are difficult. I remember that well. You may not be able to control fussing but you can keep your child from kicking the seat in front of you or throwing food.
3. Let kids fail
My daughter has a scholarship to college. Cool, right? Still, she needs to complete the application to get officially accepted. As I write this, it's not done. Huge consequences happen if she forgets or procrastinates. Believe it or not, I am willing to let them happen. My girls will tell you many similar stories. I don't bail them out. If they forgot a lunch for school, I didn't take them something. They ate yucky forget-your-lunch sandwiches from the cafeteria. My nightmare parenting story is to have grandchildren with irresposible parents. Hopefully by letting them make mistakes now and suffer from those mistakes, my grandchildren will prosper.
4. Don't bribe
I see this one often. I may have done it often when the kids were younger. The sentence goes like this: "If you do ______, then we'll stop at McDonald's on the way home." You can substitute any bribe at the end. You may know your go-to influencer. It's Ok to have treats. Enjoy them with your kids. Making every difficult or unpleasant task have a reward is not a great life skill. Too many tasks in the adult world have no carrot at the end. People need inner-discipline. Help your children develop that now.
5. Play board games
This one deosn't seem to belong on my preachy list. I'll take a break from fussing and share this cool tidbit. Playing old-fashioned games accomplishes a couple of things. You spend time together AND kids use their brain. Another benefit? They also learn to win and to lose. Choose age appropriate games and introduce new ones as they are able. My niece can play many adult games at age 8 because her parents keep them aoround and play often.
6. Explain and negotiate
It may have sounded earlier like I wasn't a fan of talking. On the contrary. Kids need explanations. Give them as much information as they can understand and then just a little more to help them stretch. Teaching them negotiation prepares them for all kinds of adult activities. Marriage is full of negotiation. If you want happily married children allow them to negotiate. When my daughter was young and I asked her to clean her room, she readily replied "How clean do you need it?" I never thought of her response as defiance. To me it was perfect negotiation.
7. Take time for yourself
A tired and over-worked parent is much more likely to give in and give up. Spoiled brats love exhausting mothers and fathers so they can get what they want. Get the sleep you need. Make sure you get a break. You'll be more confident and feel better about your decisions if you do.
8. Buy a trumpet
Ok, somthing quiet is even better. Many studies on delayed gratification and long term effects have some link to playing an instrument. I'm not sure if it's the dedication needed to practice or the impact music has on developing brains. Whatever the link, it's there.
9. Teach kids about money
How? Don't buy too much. Now buy even less. The average suburban child has tons of stuff. So much so that you perhaps have an attic or garage full of the overflow stuff. My neighbors have three kids and so much kid stuff that they rent a storage room and rotate toys in and out of storage.
10. Indulge on purpose
Everyone loves a day of indulgance. Plan it, enjoy it, and remember it. By setting it up as something special it creates meaning and sends the message that it won't happen everyday. I don't do this enough with my daughters. It's easy to get wrapped up in the daily tasks and forget to take time to have a special treat together. When I was living on next to nothing while in grad school, I did this better. Anything we bought was special. We took long walks and talked. we played cards or games. On a very special night we went out for a taco. I couldn't even afford one for myself. what's funny is that the girls talk about this taco night experience as a highlight. It gets more play in the house than amusement parks and water worlds. It must have been the specialness because, trust me, the tacos weren't that good.
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